To Hooah or not?

My head is spinning right now as if I've been sitting in a whole meadow of flowers picking off all the petals alternating between to love and not to love. Except this is much more complex. My wonderful husband (and I) has been debating between going active duty (AD) Army and staying with his newly acquired permanent position at Avista Utilities.


To some who are not familiar with the military way of life this may not seem like a big deal. The reality is that if he goes AD, it will permanently alter our lives. The Army will send us wherever they deem necessary. This could be Tacoma, WA or it could be Germany. We won't know where until 3-4 weeks prior to having to be there. The rewards are great though. Both Paul and I are very patriotic and love serving our country. I like to joke that I live vicariously through him since I am no longer in the military myself. I remember the lifestyle of being in the military and have always missed it. It's very difficult to explain to those who have never lived it. However, there are some drawbacks too. We will have to take a cut in pay of $200/month initially. While promotion is expected quickly, it will be difficult at first. And that's assuming that our house sells quickly. Did I happen to mention that we would need to put about $4K into the house to even put it on the market? The kids will have to switch schools every few years resulting from moving to a completely new place which means new friends, adjustments, etc. My ex-husband has decided that this is one thing he will get involved with for the older two. Nevermind he never shows up for any special events or sports games or parent/teacher conferences and blames me that he is $40k behind in child support because I am so stubborn. It couldn't be because he refuses to work legally and pay taxes and child support. In addition to all of the above, we lost a very important member of our family a little over a year ago and chose to have a memorial for our precious baby "Bug" out in the backyard. That seems to be anchoring us here more than we ever expected.


Avista is a great company with excellent pay and bennies. It's the type of place that people work 30 years at before retiring. The potential for raises is high. Within a few years he will be making about $20k/yr more than he made at CenturyTel. As a result of interviews yesterday, he was informed he was one of 3 guys hired (out of 6 interviewed) for the permanent position of "apprentice". I say that because he technically is a journeyman in his career, but has never had official training. This was after he beat out over 100 applicants in the first place for his current 6 month temporary position. I also have to mention that he is the only person hired for either position, temporary or permanent, who does not have a college degree. That is an amazing accomplishment and is a testament to his knowledge and work ethic. The problem with this job is that it has the potential to anchor Paul to a desk on a computer much of the time which is akin to a lion in a cage. I can't see him working 20 years doing something that crushes his spirit day in and day out.


I should also mention that Paul's boss at Avista is the commander of a sister National Guard unit here and has told him that he will find a way to get Paul out of his Army commitment if that's what Paul wants. Yesterday he told him that he would pull him into his unit right now if it would help. Technically he is owned by the Air Guard until the day he gets on the plane headed for Army training. He has made it very clear that while he supports Paul's desire to serve his country, he hopes he will change his mind. Paul has been really excited over his chosen Army job, and found out that there is a Army Guard unit with this job just over the border in Idaho. So maybe he could have the best of both worlds.


All of those petals have something attached with them. Too many details to get into, but yet each one significant in its own way. I am grateful that Paul values my feelings and opinions enough to discuss things with me. We talk almost daily about the two choices. On one hand he wants to follow his dreams and his heart and on the other he wants stability already in place. Those roots are fighting hard against being uprooted. He is worried that he will make the wrong decision. And we have both asked God to show us the right path. We felt it was the rugged and yet satisfying red, white and blue one, but now that he has been hired on as a permanent employee instead of a temporary one, those roots and related path have been watered and so the plush, green one is sounding more appealing. Thankfully a decision does not have to be made today. But with each tick of the clock, the time to decide draws closer.

??? State of Confusion ???

At 33, I am happy being a homemaker. However, Paul is very unhappy with his career. In his pursuit to find fulfillment with his work, he has been exploring several viable options. The one he is most excited about is Border Patrol Agent. However, in order to achieve this, several things have to happen. First is he has spend $3800 to have Lasik because they don't accept anyone with worse than 20/100 vision. Second is that he has to pass a written exam (at the end of April), an oral interview and pass a medical exam. Lastly, he has to take a cut in pay for 1-2 years as their entry level salary is substantially lower than what he makes now, like $10-14K/year lower. He will be eligible for the REAP which is an Iraq/Afghanistan Veteran GI Bill of sorts which will make up for him having to take a year off from Guard.

This all brings me to the point of the title. I am so confused about what role I should be playing in all of this. I am excited for Paul and am extremely supportive. Aside from all the what-ifs that will arise just from the job itself, there is the financial impact. We both agree that a couple years of a pay cut is worth it in the long run as the potential to climb within is significantally higher than he will EVER achieve at the phone company. Plus we are both in agreement that this phone company won't be around much longer in this area with the way they conduct business. After 14 years with this company he is still the 2nd most junior guy there. So if layoffs happen, he will be among the first to go.

I have been praying and have not felt God pulling me in any one direction. Obviously, I will have to have a part time job of some sorts. There are several options available to me. I could be a bus driver for the school district but am terrified of crashing such a big vehicle. I could apply for the Census which does sound good, but is temporary. I could fall back on previous experience with waiting tables or grocery store clerk. And with this economy the way it is, this is a bad time to be going through this dilemma.

But do I just leave at that or should I take advantage of my GI Bill and go back to school? Then what would I go to school for? I'm not sure my GI Bill is still valid, but am checking into it (there is conflicting information on the Government website about whether benefits expire 10 years after your active duty service or 10 years from your date of discharge which for me is 4 years difference). The sky is the limit if I choose to go back to school and I have absolutely NO idea what I would pursue.

However, I wonder if that is getting away from God's plan for me and my life. I feel like I am supposed to be a homemaker which for me, is more challenging that working due to my own demons that I seem to be fighting. I really don't want Alana in daycare even for a few hours a day and depending on how much they charge, it could negate the efforts of working all together. I realize there are risks in life if you want to move to the next level, but where is the line from risk taking to just being foolish?

Parenting in 2009

As I write this, I am struck by how surprising parenthood can be. For instance, my 12 yo son Cameron dressed up as girl today, complete with nail polish, dress and high heels for Crazy Day at school. Normally he wouldn't be caught dead in girl's fashion, but apparently there are exceptions! He had this all coordinated with a buddy of his so they could experience this together. What's really strange is that my 13 yo daughter Percy helped him by loaning him the clothes and painting his nails. Paul is wondering if Cameron is going to come home with a black eye today. Time will tell.

Percy dressed up also and it's pretty much along the same lines as last year's Crazy Day. All sorts of wild jewelry and many layers of patterned clothing. She blended right in with her friend Marlena. It's amazing to think that they are so comfortable with themselves that they can go out on a limb and be adventurous.

Alana, who is 4 incidentally, is in the "I want to color and paint EVERYTHING even though I know it's wrong" stage of life. This is evidenced by the fact that she used an entire bottle of shamrock green fabric paint last night and spilled half of it on the carpet where she proceeded to try to clean it up with baby wipes. So much for that new James Bond movie I was watching. You would think after 3 kids that I would know silence is never a good thing, but I guess I still have a few lessons to learn! We'll have to see if it comes out of her hair as I didn't have the patience last night at 9 pm to try!

There are so many things that I have wanted to start my blogging experience talking about, but it seems that life constantly changes and as such, so does my focus. Maybe I can go back later and talk about those other things, or maybe not... :)