??? State of Confusion ???

At 33, I am happy being a homemaker. However, Paul is very unhappy with his career. In his pursuit to find fulfillment with his work, he has been exploring several viable options. The one he is most excited about is Border Patrol Agent. However, in order to achieve this, several things have to happen. First is he has spend $3800 to have Lasik because they don't accept anyone with worse than 20/100 vision. Second is that he has to pass a written exam (at the end of April), an oral interview and pass a medical exam. Lastly, he has to take a cut in pay for 1-2 years as their entry level salary is substantially lower than what he makes now, like $10-14K/year lower. He will be eligible for the REAP which is an Iraq/Afghanistan Veteran GI Bill of sorts which will make up for him having to take a year off from Guard.

This all brings me to the point of the title. I am so confused about what role I should be playing in all of this. I am excited for Paul and am extremely supportive. Aside from all the what-ifs that will arise just from the job itself, there is the financial impact. We both agree that a couple years of a pay cut is worth it in the long run as the potential to climb within is significantally higher than he will EVER achieve at the phone company. Plus we are both in agreement that this phone company won't be around much longer in this area with the way they conduct business. After 14 years with this company he is still the 2nd most junior guy there. So if layoffs happen, he will be among the first to go.

I have been praying and have not felt God pulling me in any one direction. Obviously, I will have to have a part time job of some sorts. There are several options available to me. I could be a bus driver for the school district but am terrified of crashing such a big vehicle. I could apply for the Census which does sound good, but is temporary. I could fall back on previous experience with waiting tables or grocery store clerk. And with this economy the way it is, this is a bad time to be going through this dilemma.

But do I just leave at that or should I take advantage of my GI Bill and go back to school? Then what would I go to school for? I'm not sure my GI Bill is still valid, but am checking into it (there is conflicting information on the Government website about whether benefits expire 10 years after your active duty service or 10 years from your date of discharge which for me is 4 years difference). The sky is the limit if I choose to go back to school and I have absolutely NO idea what I would pursue.

However, I wonder if that is getting away from God's plan for me and my life. I feel like I am supposed to be a homemaker which for me, is more challenging that working due to my own demons that I seem to be fighting. I really don't want Alana in daycare even for a few hours a day and depending on how much they charge, it could negate the efforts of working all together. I realize there are risks in life if you want to move to the next level, but where is the line from risk taking to just being foolish?

Parenting in 2009

As I write this, I am struck by how surprising parenthood can be. For instance, my 12 yo son Cameron dressed up as girl today, complete with nail polish, dress and high heels for Crazy Day at school. Normally he wouldn't be caught dead in girl's fashion, but apparently there are exceptions! He had this all coordinated with a buddy of his so they could experience this together. What's really strange is that my 13 yo daughter Percy helped him by loaning him the clothes and painting his nails. Paul is wondering if Cameron is going to come home with a black eye today. Time will tell.

Percy dressed up also and it's pretty much along the same lines as last year's Crazy Day. All sorts of wild jewelry and many layers of patterned clothing. She blended right in with her friend Marlena. It's amazing to think that they are so comfortable with themselves that they can go out on a limb and be adventurous.

Alana, who is 4 incidentally, is in the "I want to color and paint EVERYTHING even though I know it's wrong" stage of life. This is evidenced by the fact that she used an entire bottle of shamrock green fabric paint last night and spilled half of it on the carpet where she proceeded to try to clean it up with baby wipes. So much for that new James Bond movie I was watching. You would think after 3 kids that I would know silence is never a good thing, but I guess I still have a few lessons to learn! We'll have to see if it comes out of her hair as I didn't have the patience last night at 9 pm to try!

There are so many things that I have wanted to start my blogging experience talking about, but it seems that life constantly changes and as such, so does my focus. Maybe I can go back later and talk about those other things, or maybe not... :)